It was a just a speck of dust in my eye. Who knows where it came from? Where did it go to?
I was in a pub in Leeds watching Garry Stewart perform a support slot; when I glanced behind me to see how big a crowd had gathered. Just as I turned the offending item entered my eye. I involuntarily closed and then opened my eye and I turned back round to face the stage. Unaware of what had just occurred.
Minutes later the set was at an end and I popped to the bar. I headed for a gap next to an attractive looking woman. She turned and smiled 'Hi. I wondered when you were going to make your move.' My initial feeling was one of pleasure. Happily married as I am everybody likes attention especially from somebody of the opposite sex. I was though a little confused. 'I'm sorry I'm not quite with you' I said. 'Don't act all shy now. I'd already noticed you even before you turned and winked at me'. I then realised her mistake and just as I was about to explain I was barged in the back and turned to see the biggest bloke I'd ever seen in my life. He had a shaven head and appeared to be almost as wide as he was tall but without an ounce of fat. He wore a 'wife beater' vest all the better to show off the tattoos which covered both of his arms. 'Sorry mate' he said although he didn't look particularly remorseful. 'There you are' he said to the woman. 'Here I am' she said rather irritably. 'We thought you'd got lost' he continued. 'Can't a girl get a drink in peace?'. They then walked off. As she followed him she turned and winked at me.
I was served at the bar and then went back and rejoined my wife and thought no more about the strange incident. About fifteen minutes later I decide to pop to the loo before the main band took to the stage. I walked to the gents and just as I got to the door I heard a giggle from behind me. 'There you are. Now where were we?' Before I knew it she pushed me through the door to the gents and we were inside. We appeared to be the only occupants. She headed for one of the cubicles dragging me along. In a second I was inside locked in with this woman who seemed less and less attractive but more and more scary.
Just as she reached for the zip of my jeans there came the noise of the door to the gents swinging open. Swinging open very violently. It hammered against the wall. 'Where the hell is she?' said a voice that I recognised. It was the man who had literally bumped into me at the bar. 'Vince, stay calm for God's sake' said another unfamiliar male voice. 'Calm! I'll stay calm when I know where my fiancée is!' I looked at the woman. She smiled and held her finger to a lip signaling for me to remain silent. 'Vince don't do anything stupid. Last time you were lucky that that bloke pulled through otherwise you'd still be in the nick now.' said the other voice.
'Look there's two sets of legs in that cubicle there!' Suddenly there was an hammering at the door. 'Open this door or I'll kick it down'. I reluctantly unlocked and opened the door. I was face to face with him and he looked twice as big now and very angry. He grabbed my tee-shirt. 'What the hell do you think you are doing with my fiancée?' Then I saw the owner of the unfamiliar voice. Although he may have sounded like the voice of reason he looked just as big and scary as Vince. Thankfully for me he chose this moment to intervene. 'Vince stop for a minute and calm down.' Vince ignored him pulled me up close to his face and repeated the question about his fiancée. 'Vince think about it. Is she worth it?' Vince released me and turned to face his friend. 'What are you trying to say?' he asked. 'Are you saying that there's something wrong with my girlfriend? Are you saying she's ugly? A bit of a minger?' Vince's mate seemed a bit nervous now. 'No no not at all mate. God no! I mean Marie is gorgeous, a real stunner!' This didn't seem to placate Vince much. In fact he momentarily looked puzzled then annoyed again. You could almost see the thought entering his brain. 'You think she's attractive do you? You fancy her do you?' 'No that's not what I meant at all' said his now obviously panicking mate. It was too late though Vince threw the first punch. Luckily his mate ducked and Vince's fist went straight through the door behind. I took my opportunity as he struggled to release his fist and scarpered turning long enough to see that Vince's mate was giving as good as he got.
'You were a while' said my wife on my return. Then she looked concerned. 'Are you ok?' I obviously looked a little shaken up. 'Yeah yeah,' I lied. Just then there was an almighty cacophony of noise from behind us. I turned in time to see Vince and his mate been manhandled from the premises by a whole host of bouncers. Marie followed behind them. As they departed my wife said 'I wonder what all that was about?'. 'God knows' I said feeling a great weight lifted from my shoulders. 'Do you fancy another drink?' 'Go on then' she returned.
As I walked to the bar I swung my arm and my hand brushed against a tall bloke's backside. He turned around to face me, smiled and then winked.