You may recall that as of the last edition of the Yorkshire Windbag I've given up swearing. I thought I ought to give a brief update on how its all going.
My initial concerns were that I'd picked a stressful stage of the football season and that I'd also struggle at work. As it happens I was correct that Leeds' season had reached a fraught period. However I didn't find it as difficult as anticipated either at football or at work.
In actual fact currently I'm finding driving the hardest thing to negotiate without swearing. This is a bit ironic because I'm usually the only person in the car. So like the old existential question. If a swear word flies out and nobody hears it am I still expected to fine myself? Well I am trying to be honest and you are going to have to take my word for this.
Deciding what constitues a swear word was more difficult than I expected it to be. I'm allowing myself some mild expeletives such as bloody, hell and damn. There have been some mildly amusing instances of me incurring unnecessary fines by using a word and then repeating it when asking if its a swear word or not. In the end I think a friend, Jenny, came up with the best and simplest rule of thumb. Basically I shouldn't say anything that I wouldn't normally say in front of my parents.
I've decided that obscene gestures have also got to be included (which once again limits me when I'm driving). However 'Jenny's first law of swearing' does have its holes. For instance I'm not sure I'd be comfortable using some words which definitley aren't swear words in front of my parents. An example that springs to mind is masturbation (the word not the act although I'd also be pretty uncomfortable performing the act in front of my parents). Anyway lets just say that this is the exception that proves the rule.
Anyway I'm now trying a new technique when driving having got inspiration from another friend, Chris Read. Rather than not shouting insults at my fellow drivers I'm trying to use my imagination and creativity to come up with new clean insults. Currently I'm mainly just re-using old favourite obscenities. So if you cut me up and you're wondering what I'm mouthing it'll probably be 'Sir if you spent a bit less time masturbating and a bit more time concentrating on your driving I'd be happier and your eyesight would be better!'.